The Rise And Fall And Fall Of The Lib Dems

Once upon a time there was a political party who believed in something. Who stood for something. Who held views other parties rejected. Who campaigned on issues that weren’t always universally popular.

They then had a leader who grew and grew in stature. Who charmed and won over the electorate in a series of pre-general election televised debates.

But, unfortunately, for said party, this never translated into votes on polling day. Blame our antiquated voting system they raged. We sympathised.

But then, when all seemed lost, along came a smart and convincing salesman offering them the chance of a lifetime. This jolly, chirpy, chappy, waved the prospect of power-sharing under their disillusioned noses.

What’s more, this guy looked and sounded very much like our guy, thought the party faithful.

They hit it off instantly. The public were taken aback: two sworn enemies jumping into bed with each other; governing together? But, their politics is so different. How will they ever get anything done, asked a sceptical media?

Won’t they bicker and argue constantly?

But, they didn’t. In fact, they seemed to quite like each other. A lot. That other bunch aren’t so bad after all, they thought to themselves. We’ve been unfair to them all these years.

Anyway, the party thought, we’ve still got our beliefs and our principles. We’ll never sacrifice them.

But, you know, the country’s finances really are in an awful mess. Something’s got to be done about them. An austerity package might not be a bad idea. Severe austerity? Seems harsh, but being in power means taking tough decisions. We’ll support it, they cried in unison.

Don’t worry, we’ll always have our ‘red lines,’ they reassured.

But what’s this? A report into university tuition fees calling for the trebling of existing fees. Outrageous! We campaigned against this very kind of thing. We shall not be moved.

But, you know, the public purse has taken a real battering over the last decade. Higher fees might not be such a bad idea after all. And promises are there to be broken aren’t they? Isn’t that one of the rules of power?

We’re convinced, let’s have higher fees, they chorused. Some threatened to rebel, but most didn’t. We’re in power; united front and all that. What’s next?

PR. They remembered that this was what distinguished them from the other two main parties for as long as anyone could recall. Time for a huge, concerted, ‘Yes’ campaign.

We’ll change the voting system; we’ll have more of our MPs elected, we’ll be in power forever, they smirked.

However, there’s one small problem. Our great leader isn’t that popular anymore. In fact, he isn’t popular at all. Both parties have enacted the same policies, yet only our leader seems to be getting it in the neck. Strange business, politics.

Still, the public will come to their senses and give a resounding thumbs up to PR.

Except, they didn’t. They gave it a big, fat, no. That’s disappointing, they sighed.

And, the thing is, there’s not much green about this government is there? Isn’t the environment one of our issues?

Not as much as Europe. Time to stand firm. Make sure the PM doesn’t isolate us. Except, he just has. What the Dickens?

So, why is our leader not condemning such a reckless move, they demanded? Oh no, he is now. Our mistake. He didn’t, then he forgot what his line was, then he did. At least that’s straight.

Being in power’s exhausting. You don’t get credit for anything. The public are so ungrateful. Apathy’s a dangerous thing.

They’ll never notice if we tinker with the NHS then. A little reform here, a dollop of privatisation there. I mean, what has the NHS ever done for us? That’ll teach ‘em for being so mean to us, they thought.

And, don’t let them tell you we don’t stand for anything anymore.

“We are the party of civil liberties.” “WE ARE THE PARTY OF CIVIL LIBERTIES,” they chanted. They’ll always be safe under us.

We’ll never allow something as draconian as a ‘snoopers’ charter,’ will we, their supporters murmured meekly. Oh!


This article was published by Labour Uncut on Monday 9 April 2012